WHAT PSYCHIATRIC DIAGNOSIS WOULD I BE DIAGNOSED WITH?

Sitting around the coffee table at work, I was asked this very question by my colleague. I certainly know what I would diagnose my colleague, who is completely neurotic unable to get any work done as she breaks down crying every other day, thinking about the work rather than just getting on with it.

 

What diagnose would I have though? Hmm. I have OCD like traits, I have get to work early, clean my hands every time my patients shake my hand, clean my table and office phone before work begins, but I do not think I would be diagnosed with OCD or Anakastic Personality Disorder.

 

I am quite eccentric, have a lot of pets at home, get carried away with magical thinking, but I do not think I would diagnose myself with schizotypal personality disorder. I went through a phase where I believed I had trichotillomania, in which one pulls out their hair out. Again, that wa

 

s really only during my school days when I was stressed with work, and I do not do that any longer.

 

Could I have kleptomania? I have a strange need and almost compulsion to take hotel bath products every time I walk past the trolley. Once, I even rolled the trolley into my hotel room, emptied the shelves and quickly threw the trolley out of the before the staff saw. Hmm….but Ross Gellar from Friends also does this, would that mean I have an impulse disorder? I avoid one of my aunts like the plague, but would that make me antisocial? This is tricky. Very tricky.

 

My mother would say I am lazy, but I am afraid there is no lazy syndrome. My father would just grunt meaning that he simply does not care. My sister would say I’m ugly, however, unfortunately for her there is no ugly personality disorder. My brother would say I have bipolar, however he has no idea what bipolar even means and associates it with Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I cannot think what I would be diagnosed with. I guess its settled then, I am simply perfect.

 

My family on the other hand, I would diagnose them all without hesitation.

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