IN LOVE, YET ETERNALLY BROKEN

August 30, 2017

I have loved.

 

I have loved in a way that I believed my heart would explode from my chest, and I would forever be swept away in the fog of pure magic wonder for this individual. 

 

I find love a medication. It’s the cure for any ailment. However, when that medication is taken from you, the ailments come back.

 

I know some people say they have been in love when later on in life they realise it was not the case. However, there are those special rare cases where you have actually been in love, which is very different to just loving somebody. 

 

I have had this special case of being in love. The most sensational, beautiful, and most exotic love that one could find. However, it was cruelly taken from me because of the ripple effect love always has. You see, when you are in love, the world interferes in some way. There will those corrupt specimens that wish to rip away your bliss in a moment. Nobody likes to see others happy when they see something is pure. Why is that? Why must people gossip, hurt, and cause pain onto others who wish to just simply be in love?

 

There will always be some villain in the play of love. I have been a pawn in people’s games and as a result lost the one I was in love with. 

 

I am not bitter or resentful. I have not chased or been full of anger to this pure love being unfairly taken from me. I tried to make my love see the light and truth, however idol tongues incessantly move into action. I know the truth. In addition, I know how my heart beats for them, how I feel eternally bound to, how if we had taken the plunge I would have wanted our world to be faithful, truthful, open as a book completely letting all the chapters be unbound.  It is a horrifically terrifying moment when you know you have waited your entire life for a love in this way and it is taken at no fault of your own because of interference. 

 

I am not perfect. I used to think I was. I went through a terrible year in which I lost myself, not in the sense that I turned to substances, but in the sense my thinking was no longer pure in the sense I was thinking dark thoughts and was starting to act on them from afar. I could have gone further down the road to darkness, but I caught myself in time. Some damage was created, and with deep regret to this special love. I caused my love a great deal of pain, with probable wounds that will take a lifetime to build. But I remained. I remained to help fight these battles, even though the resentment of myself of my actions of the past, of who I am trying to be again, of the daily stresses of life getting in my way, I still am truthful and pure to this love. 

 

I had my chest wide open, I loved wholly. Having your chest wide open makes you feel incredibly vulnerable, that you are exposed to being wounded by your love. I left it wide open. However, it was my turn to be wounded. And I have never felt pain like it. Having your heart ripped from your chest, I think only can be described as the epitome of death. No matter who you love, whether it is your mother, friend or lover, the pain is incurable when that love is quite literally scalped out of your heart. I am now alone, with my heart in my hands, bleeding the blood it used to pump of love. My love has moved forwards in moments, without fighting for the truth and our burning love.

 

What makes my heart bleed further, is that my heart should never have been broken. It was broken on the basis of others involving themselves menacingly and maliciously telling untruths. The worst part of this tale is that my love believed it. My love did not see my heart pure in front of their eyes ready to take the holy walk to ‘forever ever after’, beating for only them. I know the truth. And I know the injustice, I have been scorned by this love in the most hasty brutal sense. I cannot help thinking is this karma for the pain I initially caused them? When I had hurt them, I raised my hands up and stated so, but I cannot hold my hands up to a falsehood no matter how much my heart belongs to them.

 

But I shall not be angered, or remain hurt. If your loved one does not believe in you, how can you possibly believe in the love? You can fight and chase, but what are you fighting for? An individual that rather listens to the devils voice then the serenity of your love? I am a big believer of fighting for what you want, if it is with a pure heart and honestly. However, I cannot condemn fighting for the sake of those that see no power of your pure heart, whether it be your friend or indeed the love of your life. I will forever be in love with this special love. I loved them when I was most broken and vulnerable and came up to find courage and solitude in the hope of what was to be. 

 

The most sour taste in my mouth is that in a few weeks after the journey of a rollercoaster with my love we would have sealed the deal, had the picture perfect image we have been striving for. But this image was stabbed for reasons of no fault of my own. To be angry with my love is a waste of energy, as if you really are in love with somebody you will want the best for them, and if the dreams of what you offer are not for their liking you cannot force it to be. I will be most happy holding onto the memories I have of this person, and I want to wish them well. My heart will always belong to them, but it is not for me to make them realise the truth if they do not want to. Them walking away is a decision I must face, no matter how weak I feel, I will stand strong as I will not fight for a love that does not believe in me and my goodness, no matter how much I love them.

 

If you have ever had similar situations, then I would like to tell you these individuals will realise the truth, and see the beauty of your soul for themselves. You must remain patient. You can only wait, it will happen, but that does not mean you should yourself wait.

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